Are You Scared?

I was going to write yet another Sox column but since the media keeps shoving Tom Brady down my throat I figured it was time to speak out.

People need to really calm down. It’s the preseason.

Remember last season when Randy Moss didn’t play in any of the preseason games? Well he didn’t and look what happened. He was perfectly healthy and ended up setting records with Brady.

In case everyone has forgotten Coach Bill likes to fuck with everyone. Touchdown Tom is listed on the injured list every week with a shoulder injury. Yet Tom comes out and throws without problems. This is just a way for Bill to keep Brady healthy in the preseason and see what he has behind Brady.

And so far this preseason, he’s found that he has a steaming bag of donkey vomit playing behind Brady. Cassel hasn’t started a game since high school. High school! Last I checked high school isn’t really a good barometer to gauge NFL talent. This guy has sucked. In nine drives he’s managed three points, a pick, and a fumbled snap that was returned for a TD.

Behind him is Matt Gutierrez who didn’t even play in Tampa because of an injured shoulder and Kevin O’Connell whom that Patriots drafted this year. Neither is ready for prime time, but I would much rather see those two play an entire preseason game to find out how ready they are than watching the failed experiment of Cassel.

One of the rumors I’ve heard is that the Pats could sign Chris Simms who is likely to be released by the Bucs. That’s all well and good as far as a replacement for Cassel but is the team really ready to carry four quarterbacks and five running backs? Seams excessive.

Let’s hope that after Friday’s game the roster stuff starts to work itself out especially with the release of Cassel. I haven’t wanted a player released as much as Cassel since Grandpa Timlin on the Sox. That’s saying something.

Can I Get An Ace?

Well after ripping the Sox yesterday and their supposed “ace” Josh Beckett, the true ace emerged once again, shining through for the Sox last night in Baltimore. Jon Lester has been the stopper (5 times this season stopped Sox losing streaks) for this team all season long and is living up to the billing that Peter Gammons touted when he said that Lester would be a better pitcher than Papelbon.

I know that Cliff Lee of the Indians is the front runner for the Cy Young award but I have to throw some love to the Sox young gun. Lester threw a no hitter, a beautiful shutout against the Yankees and has a 12-4 record with a 3.15 ERA. Lee’s 2.43 ERA and 17-2 record is a lot better but he’s playing for a last place team. At some point pitching for a winning club should merit a little more love. It’s like A-Rod winning the MVP for a last place Texas team. Fuck that. You’re a loser, sure you’re the best loser, but a loser all the same.

I don’t want to ignore our favorite new left fielder in all the praise. Jason Bay went yard twice and had a nice stolen base just to help fill out the stat sheet.

Let’s also mention that Jason Varitek fresh off an anal drilling in yesterday’s column hit a solo home run in the second. I really have to wonder if he reads the column. This is twice this season I’ve destroyed him in the column and he comes out the next day and gets a hit. And will someone please email Lauren and explain to her that this isn’t a slump but rather a deterioration of skills and he’s on the back 9 of his career.

The bottom line is that you beat Baltimore. They’re a cupcake team and the basement dweller in the East. The Sox are expected to beat this team. They’re also expected to beat the likes of KC, Texas, and Seattle. What they need to do is bring that same “we can beat you” mentality to games against teams with winning records.

Tampa doesn’t want to relinquish the lead in the East and it’s looking more and more like a two horse race thanks to the Yankees imploding (10 games out of first). A team with a run differential of +117 (second in MLB only to the Cubbies) shouldn’t be in second place, they should be up at least six games. It’s interesting anyways. At least long enough for us to be distracted till the Patriots season starts.

At Long Last

Today I join “Working America” again for the first time in six very long, PS3 filled, months.

But Jay, how will this effect the blog?

Well readers, I assure you that it won’t. I’ll just have to either get up that much earlier in the morning to post or take care of the post the night before (like today).

So as I settle in front of the TV to enjoy some preseason Patriots football, I get to see highlights of the Giants winning the Super Bowl. Funny, the Patriots aren’t playing the Giants, why on Earth would they need to show the Giants? Oh, that’s right, to piss me off. Well NFL Network, you’ve succeeded. Fuck you NFL Network. Eat a giant bag of dicks.

Speaking of eating a giant bag of dicks. I think it’s time for Matt Cassel to submit his resume to Shaw’s. He can start bagging groceries as soon as tomorrow because he’s not an NFL Quarterback, backup or otherwise.

So let’s get our obligatory Olympic shout out for Jeff. Michael Phelps is a beast. Not since Lance Armstrong destroyed the Tour de France have we seen an American dominate on the International Stage the way Phelps owned swimming at these Olympics. Eight gold medals in eight events, one better than Mark Spitz who held the record for 36 years. Just great stuff.

But what I want to really talk about is the suckiness of the Boston Red Sox over the weekend. Sure the game was rained out Friday, but that didn’t stop them from sucking big ol’ donkey cock over the weekend. Your “ace” gives up 6 runs in the first fucking inning? Are you serious? Eight runs in two and a third innings? What a suckfest.

Honestly, we tuned in the game on the radio at about 1:50 and heard they were down six in the first, I had to pause and think of who the starter was. I thought Buchholz wasn’t starting until Wednesday, why did Tito have him start today? Then they announced it was Beckett and I’m just baffled.

So it’s pretty clear that he was post season beast last year, but this year he’s pretty average and anything but an ace. So what do the Sox do next year? You have the Manny money ($20M), Schilling money ($8M), and Varitek money ($10M) all coming off the books. They need to go buy some pitching. I know it’s going to be a bidding war with the Yankees but I think they need to push hard after CC Sabathia or even AJ Burnett (who’s rumored to be opting out).

While we’re on the subject of free agents, let’s talk about the other half of the battery. Here’s a gem from Boston.com yesterday:

In the fourth, Kevin Youkilis got the Sox on the board with a solo shot into the bleachers in center field, but Boston left the bases loaded when Jason Varitek grounded into a double play.

Varitek, who singled in the second, entered the game with the third lowest average in the majors at .213.

There is nothing out there as far as catching and the Sox don’t have any answers in the farm system. Varitek, more importantly Scott Boras, is going to look for something similar to what Posada signed last off season. And Tek is higher than a crack head who’s been locked in a fully stocked cocaine lab for 3 days if he thinks he’s even going to come close to that kind of dough.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him going elsewhere, but I think a two year $8M is a realistic given his ineptitude at the plate. I watched Tony Pena finish out his years at .189 and am prepared for the same with Tek but not at $10-$12.5M per year.

I think that’s enough complaining for one day on the shitiness of the Sox. Hopefully they fair better against the Orioles this week, but I’m not holding my breath. Like I said the other day, at least we’re not Yankee fans; 9 games back in the middle of August, not too appealing.

Some Random Thoughts

So to save you the suspense I will be away from the computer on Friday so no update. This is it till late Sunday/early Monday.

So we’ll start with the Sox. Grandpa Timlin put the nail in the coffin of his Sox career last night. Called on in an 8-1 game with two on and you immediately give up a three run home run? Weak. The team needs to make a move to get Paul Byrd on the roster, I say the team releases Grandpa Timlin. A move that should’ve come months ago.

With that, I give you the Grandpa photos from the archives.

The Sox are a rumored destination for disgruntled Detroit Tiger Gary Sheffield. The Sheff was rumored to be on his way to Boston when his contract was up with the Yankees, but the Yankees exercised the option on his contract and then dumped him to the Tigers. Gary, very bitter from the move, would want nothing more that to stick it up the Yankees ass and win a Championship with the Sox. Why not? He would help the team, still has pop in his bat, and if any pink hats get out of line in left he’s shown he’s not afraid to hit them.

Mikey Lowell went to the 15 DL. Sheff has played some first, third, and plays both corner outfield spots. I think he’d fit in well with this veteran crew. Let’s hope the waiver wire falls in the Red Sox favor.

John Lynch visited with the Pats today. I know Stew wouldn’t like the signing but I would like it. Two of the hardest hitting safeties in your backfield, sure they may have lost a step or two but they’ll hit the shit of anyone that they can. With the Pats bringing the safeties up to blitz that could be a lot of hitting. Pay attention Brett Favre.

Speaking of Favre. He has a tired arm. Maybe you should have stayed retired asshole.

Speaking of the NFL, I found this gem about Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones on ESPN. You can click it to read the whole thing, but I want to highlight my favorite part:

Since being traded to the Cowboys, Jones has tried to surround himself with a better support group. He’s befriended former Cowboys Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders. Jones also has become friends with several of his new teammates, including Tank Johnson, whom the Cowboys helped return from a similar suspension last season.

So Tank that spends almost as much time with the police as Jones, Michael Irvin who is a coke head and a head of the Dallas White House, and Deion Sanders? What, Rae Carruth not available? What about OJ or Mike Vick? Fucking ridiculous.

I think that’s enough randomness to last a long weekend. Like I said, back Monday with more Olympic, Sox, and Pats summations.

Fenway Marathon

Before we get to the madness, I’m obligated per Big Jeff’s request to tell you that Michael Phelps is now 5-5 in Gold Medal attempts. The Girls Gymnastics did better than the Men scoring a silver, losing to China who was using 8 year olds on their team.

On to the Sox.

So I was playing Madden when I got an instant message that said “Papi’s has 2, 3 run homers in the first inning, the Sox are up 10-0.”

I texted back, “If the Sox lose this, I’m turning in my Nation Card.” Before you jump on me, I don’t have one of those gay-ass cards, and there’s no way I would ever pay for that bullshit. Just saying that if the team blows this kind of lead and loses, I’ll be fucking pissed.

So Madden, froze again (full of bugs, a huge disappointment) and I shut it off in time to see the Sox immediately give up two runs and then get them back in the bottom of the third. You could sense that this was going to be a long night and no lead was safe.

So when the Sox gave up the lead and no one out of the fucking bullpen could pitch to save their fucking soul I started to get pissed. Pissed was an understatement. I was ready to call the fucking season. How on Earth can you consider yourselves a fucking playoff team when you can’t even beat a lowly American League West cupcake, that has NO FUCKING PITCHING?!?

Dear Theo,
Hey, great job ridding yourself of the burden that was Manny. Glad your headache is gone and his shitty attitude went with him. I’d like to take a moment to tell you how happy I am that you addressed other needs at the deadline as well. You have a bullpen that can’t hold a fucking lead, let alone hold the starters’ fucking jocks, so good thing you got some help. Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. Just like last year when you got Gagne and didn’t get Dye from the White Sox. Thinking one move is enough? Dye would have been a huge help! I hope you sleep well at night in your fucking mansion, and feel good cashing those huge fucking checks from the Red Sox. Get a fucking clue! Stop holding on to every one of your prospects like they’re your own fucking kids. Buchholz and Ellsbury for Santana? Looking pretty fucking good now isn’t it? Next time you’re up my way, stop by and I’ll serve you a giant shit burger. Assholeface ™ (™ DaGuy Inc.).

-Jay

Seriously, Paul Byrd. You think he’s the fucking answer to your problems? How about not giving Curt the Skirt $8M to do commercials and be a fucking mouthpiece. Maybe take that $8M and solidify your bullpen a little? Just thinking out loud.

So needless to say the Sox blew the lead. I texted a few friends asking if a montage of Sox images played to taps was too soon. Everyone said it was too early and not to give up. Then Da Guy called it. “D-Ped will come through in the clutch. No worries.” Sure enough Pedroia hits one to left center and Jacoby, who is the fastest Red Sox I’ve seen, scores from first. Holy shit. You mean this roller coaster isn’t done yet? Ugh, what’s next?

Well, with Pedroia on second they intentionally walked Ortiz. So Youk steps up. Now Youk struck out twice in the first, then hit a huge blast in the 5th after a stupid fucking fan (Pink Hat probably) reached over the wall and took a home run away from Ortiz. Look stupid, you have to have watched enough fucking baseball to know, you don’t fucking reach over. Ever. Good thing Youk bailed the fan out, and good thing security escorted that fucktard out of the park.

Anyway, Youk steps up with Ortiz at first and Dusty on second. I say to Da Guy, “What happens now? Home run off the Volvo sign?” Well, it was off the Sports Authority sign, but a three run shot all the same. Are you kidding me? This is fucking ridiculous.

Papelmania came in and worked the ninth giving up an unearned run on a Youk error that allowed Marlon Byrd to reach. Byrd was 5-5 when he stepped in and would have been 6-6 if it was a clean hit. Wow. Paps closes the door, Sox win 19-17.

On a side note, I hate the John Kerry commercial. Don’t mix the Sox with politics. It’s fucking dumb. Why does this Frankenstein looking fuck run ads anyway? You have a “D” next to you name in Massachusetts, you won. Don’t need to advertise.

Nothing would make me happier than seeing John Lester take the hill tonight and pitch a 3 hit shutout. Slugfests are awesome if you’re interested in just fantasy stats, but they’re exhausting for the team and the fans. A nice two hour game would be great tonight. Get everyone out at a decent hour and more importantly get me to bed before 12:30.